Chase Utley – Puppy with Arthritis: This puppy is way too energetic and plays with reckless abandon. He has no regard for his own safety or health, which causes him to be slowed down by bad joints once in a while, but he still does a lot of cool tricks.
Jimmy Rollins – Cat: He pretty much just does whatever the hell he feels like doing and won't listen to anybody.
Domonic Brown – Young Lion: He shows power occasionally, and is seemingly the heir apparent to the Old Lion. Then he goes through terrible droughts and you wonder if he’ll ever fully take over the pride.
Ben Revere – Squirrel: He’s fast as hell, but not powerful at all.
Marlon Byrd – Robin: They really have no effect on your life. Seriously, when was the last time you remember a Robin doing something good or bad? Because his name is Byrd, I couldn’t help but compare him to a bird. He kind of just goes about his business.
Carlos Ruiz - Polar Bear: Everyone loves polar bears. Everyone loves Chooch. He's a consistent attraction. Sometimes he's great and does a swan dive into the water, but at the very least he is always fun to watch.
Cole Hamels – Giraffe: He’s tall and kind of cool. Then you look at his build and realize he looks extremely fragile. I mean seriously, how can those long, skinny legs and neck possibly hold up?
Cliff Lee – Hawk: Extremely focused and dangerous. Stay the hell out of his way when he is in the zone.
A.J. Burnett - Pissed Off Dog Who Has Been Left Outside All His Life: The pissed off dog who has spent his entire life outside in the extreme elements really has no control. There is absolutely no command over his actions (or pitches), but catch him on the right day and he can be good.
Roberto Hernandez - Pony: He turns in decent work and entertains at children's birthday parties, but he'll never be a stallion.
Kyle Kendrick - Bipolar Chimpanzee: Sometimes he's good and entertaining. Other times he looks completely different and is just throwing his own shit.
Mike Adams – Snake: You paid a decent chunk of change for him, only to realize he really doesn’t do anything at all.
Jonathan Papelbon – Parrot: He talks a lot. You paid a lot for him. He’s ok for the first few weeks, but after a while he just starts to piss you off.
The Rest of the Bullpen – Fish: Some live for a while, others don’t. In the end, you realize they’re a dime a dozen, at least the ones your parents (Ruben Amaro Jr.) buys you, so you’re not really too attached to any of them.
The Bench Players – Crickets: They literally don’t do anything. You bought them for basically no money (in baseball terms at least), and when you send them into the game, you’re eventually feeding them to a bunch of lizards.
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